


Relapse

by orphan_account



Series: Determined and Demanding [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Relapse, Self-Harm, part two of my self-harm series.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 03:31:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1211008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Just one more time..."<br/>Sequel to: Just A Sad Song</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to cut today, so instead I wrote about cutting. I'm sorry.

“I don’t know if I can do it.” Gavin’s hands shook so bad, he almost dropped the box. His tears made a soft sound when they hit the cardboard. It wasn’t first time his tears touched this box, but it was going to be the last.

“Of course you can, Gav.”

Gavin sobbed. “You’re gonna have to do it for me.”

Michael hugged his boyfriend from behind, every time Gavin sobbed he held a little harder. “You need to do this. It’ll be good for you.”

Gavin shook his head, sucking on his lips. He held his favorite Band-Aid box in his hands; the box that contained all his blades as well as bandages and other first-aid materials. He held the box over his trash bin, ready to rid them from his life. “I’m gonna do it.” He told himself aloud. “I’m gonna do it.” He repeated, barely audible. “I don’t need them anymore.” It was a lie; a complete lie. Gavin needed those blades like he needed air. Without them, he was sure he was going to fall apart.

With another sob, he forced his hands to open and let the old box fall to its resting place in the trash.

“I’m so proud you.” Michael whispered into his ear. Gavin almost didn’t hear him over his crying. But, Michael led him over to sit on the couch, and held him while he cried. Gavin gripped his bare foot, desperately pressing on the old cuts. He wanted the feeling one more time. Just one more time he wanted pain. Gavin pressed so hard on his foot, it was surprising he didn’t break it.

Gently, Michael pulled Gavin’s hand from the cuts and brought it up to wrap around his neck. He pulled Gavin on top of himself, hugging him. _Things are going to be better now._ Michael repeated the words in his head like a mantra, hoping they’d come true.

-

A week later, Gavin was shaking again. His anxiety was worse than ever, he couldn’t focus on anything, all he could think was:

_“I could just cut.”_

_“It wouldn’t be hard to find a blade.”_

_“I could keep to my foot and Michael would never have to know.”_

_“Just once more.”_

No. He needed to stop. Everyone was working so hard to help him; he couldn’t just go behind their backs. “Hey Gav.” Gavin was shaken out of his thoughts by Ray, coming into the office.

“Morning.” He replied. Gavin let his head fall into his hands and rubbed at his eyes.

“Hey, are you ok?” Ray sat down at his desk, looking concerned at Gavin while turning his monitor on.

“I’m fine, Ray.” He knew the words sounded forced but couldn’t do anything to help it. He probably seemed really irritable right now, but there was nothing he could do about it. Well, there was one thing, but it wasn’t the good kind of thing. “I’ll be back.” Gavin stood abruptly, walking out of the office briskly and not really looking at anyone.

He walked straight to the bathroom around the corner, sighing in relief when he saw it was unoccupied.

He splashed water on his face and ran ice-cold water over his wrists, trying to calm himself down.

It wasn’t working.

Gavin looked down. God, he was fucking falling apart. He took a deep breath and noticed a tool box laying on the floor next to the toilet. The office had been having pluming problems lately and tools were often left lying in the bathrooms. He noticed the box was left open, and on top was lying a utility knife.

No. He couldn’t. Did he really want to mess up all the progress he made? Did he really still want to be the same old cliché?

Before making an actual decision, Gavin reached for the utility knife and opened the blade. His shoe and sock were thrown aside and the metal felt cool against his skin.

Instantly, when he saw the blood, he felt so much better. He felt so much _better,_ just not better about himself.

After cleaning up and washing the wounds, he returned to the office and went through the day as if nothing happened. It ate at him inside but Michael never asked about him. No one suspected anything.

Gavin was becoming a good actor.

That night, Michael sat on Gavin’s couch with him. They played Halo, Gavin’s favorite game, but his head just wasn’t into it. He kept messing up and dying right when they were close. Michael would yell at him as always but it just wasn’t affecting Gavin at all tonight.

“God damn it, what the fucking is wrong with you? We fucking had them!” Michael would yell, starting a new game.

“I’m sorry, Michael.” But Gavin wasn’t talking about the stupid game.

When Gavin ruined the mission for the fourth time in a row, Michael was full-out shouting. “You fucking moron! How did you manage to fuck that up?!”

“I’m sorry, Michael. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you better fucking be.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Gavin dropped his controller and ran his hands through his hair. He hutched himself over, rocking back and forth. “I’m so sorry, I really messed up. I’m sorry, Michael.”

“Dude, it’s ok.” Michael put his controller down on the coffee table. “It’s just a game.” He said, switching from joke-raging to caring boyfriend in an instant.

Gavin’s head snapped up to look at him. “I’m not talking about the fucking game!” There were tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry ok! I fucked up! I’m a fuck up!” Gavin was hyperventilating. Michael scooted closer to him, and wrapped his arms around him.

“Gav, what are you talking about?” Silently, Gavin pulled his shoe off. “No, Gav. No, you didn’t…” Michael bit his lip. He thought Gavin was done with this. Gavin looked up at him, a hurt but conflicted look in his eye. Without saying a word or looking away from his boyfriend, He pulled his sock off too. He revealed the damage he did this morning. “Gav…” Michael closed his eyes, turning his head away, he didn’t want to look at anymore bright red lines on Gavin’s skin.

“I’m a fuck up.” Gavin repeated. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so so-“

“Stop.” Michael interrupted him, hugging Gavin so hard that he wasn’t sure if either of them were breathing. “Stop apologizing, it’s ok.”

“We both know it’s not ok. I’m not ok, I’ll never be.”

“Fucking… shut the fuck up Gavin. No, it’s not ok. But we’re going to work through this together. Just because you relapsed once-“ Gavin winced at the word ‘relapse’. It reminded him how this was an addiction like any other. “-doesn’t mean you’re done trying.”

“Michael, I don’t think I’m as strong as you think I am.” Gavin said it with a ghost of a smile, and put his sock back on. He curled into Michael as much as humanly possible and Michael room for him.

His security blanket; he almost laughed at the thought.

“You’re going to beat this, I promise. It just takes time.” Michael kissed the top of Gavin’s head. “We have all the time in the world.”


End file.
